Going on too many Guilt Trips? 5 Steps to Get Off the Guilt Train

Guilt | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Guilt is my least favorite emotion.  I know, I know, all feelings have purpose and meaning, but guilt is truly awful.  It makes you agree to things that you really don’t want to do so that you can avoid feeling guilty.  It can breed resentment.  It can make you feel ashamed.  It can make you angry.  Basically guilt is one of those feelings where it’s hard to see the positive. However, guilt does have a purpose. 

Guilt is the response to feeling that we have done something wrong.  However, how do we determine whether something is truly wrong?  There are some things that we can universally agree are wrong.  If you kill someone, you should feel guilty.  You have done something that  is wrong.  However, most of the time, things aren’t necessarily this black or white.  Often, we feel guilty over things that actually aren’t wrong at all.  Sometimes we have defined things as wrong for ourselves.  Sometimes other people have defined something as wrong for us.  We may hold on to these beliefs about right or wrong without even knowing that we believe them!  So, how do we start chipping away at the guilt angst?

Step 1:  When you start feeling guilty, do not act on it.  Do not say yes to make the guilt go away.  Do not try to push the guilt away.  Do not fall into a pit of self-criticism.  Just sit with the guilt.  

Step 2: Figure out what triggered the guilt.  Was it a direct request of you? Was it an implied expectation?  Was it a passive-aggressive criticism?  Was it your own thoughts?

Step 3:  When you have identified the trigger, define why it feels wrong.  Who has defined this as wrong? You may have unrealistic expectations of yourself and not living up to them creates guilt.  Other people may have defined things as wrong, but it’s just a way for them to get their own needs met.  This step can be really tricky and you may need some help with this one.  Sometimes it can be hard to be objective about the expectations we place on ourselves and expectations that others place on us.  This can often be a focus during therapy.

Step 4: Assess your own needs.  Often we do things out of guilt because we want to meet the needs of others, but totally ignore our own in the process.  Are your own needs and the expectations placed on you aligned?

Step 5: Identify other possible responses rather than just giving in to the guilt.

 An illustration of our five step guilt plan:

You have just had a baby.  Your baby is colicky and cries for hours on end.  You are not sleeping, you are barely functional.  You receive an e-mail from an older family member who really wants to see you and meet the baby.  They think it would be a fabulous idea for you to trek out to their place, which happens to be two hours away.  This person has a tendency to make remarks about family responsibilities and the importance of making an effort to stay connected with family. Your immediate internal response is “heck no!”.....and then the guilt sets in.  What will they think if you say no? You’re off of work anyway, why can’t you go? What if they tell other family members that they haven’t met the baby and it’s all your fault?  Why should you drive all the way out there? Because that’s what nice people do.....guilt, guilt, guilt.

Step 1: STOP.  Hello guilt, my old friend.  Nice of you to stop to by for a visit, let’s hang.

Step 2: Trigger – request from another person to do something  that feels really, really hard. 

Step 3:  Is saying no to the request WRONG?

                Is there something wrong in turning down an invitation? 

                Is it wrong to potentially disappoint another person?  

                Does saying no to the request make you a bad family member?

Step 4:  You are exhausted, overwhelmed and need to do the bare minimum (other than keeping another human being alive).  A long drive and visit is not manageable for you.

Step 5:  Provide an alternate plan to your family member; “We would love to see you but driving that long is really not doable right now.  You are more than welcome to visit us at home.”   

Easy, right?!?  Ha, not so much! I wish that guilt could be banished this easily but that would not be a realistic expectation.  Our guilt is often tied to core beliefs that we have about ourselves, others and our relationships.  These can’t simply be broken through in 5 easy steps.  However, these steps may help you start developing an awareness of how you can start to change your relationship with guilt.  If you think that this is an area that you would like further help with, please get in touch.  I would love to help you turn down the ticket to your next guilt trip.

6 Reasons Why We Suck at Self-Care and How to Break Through the Obstacles

Self-care | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Self-care gets a lot of attention.  We know it’s important. We know that making time for ourselves should be a regular part of our routine.  We know that the wheels start coming off when we don’t do it.  And yet, it can be such a struggle!  As a psychologist, I know the importance of self-care.  I talk to everyone that I work with about the importance of self-care. I even have a board on Pinterest that is dedicated to self-care.  But here’s the truth – even I struggle with making it a priority.  Why do we have such a hard time with incorporating enjoyable, rejuvenating and fun activities into our lives? 

Here are 6 reasons why we suck at self-care and how we can start making it a priority:

Reason 1:  It’s not even on our radar.  In theory we know that self-care is a good thing, but we don’t actually put it on our own priority list.  It doesn't actually occur to us that this is something we need.

Solution:  Put it on your to-list, on the family calendar, in your phone schedule.  We are more likely to do something if we write it down.  Bold it, underline it, highlight it.  Make self-care stare you in the face!

Reason 2:  We feel guilty about taking time away from our family or work .  It feels indulgent to do something that is just for us.

Solution:  Guilt is a tricky one.  It is the response to feeling that we are doing something wrong.  Is taking care of yourself wrong?  Of course not!  In fact, you need to be well taken care of in order to take care of everyone else (i.e. put on your own oxygen mask before helping others put on theirs).  We may have very real restrictions on our time, but sometimes it’s not about finding time, it’s about making the time. 

Reason 3:  We have unrealistic ideas about what self-care should be.  A lot of advice about self-care include similar suggestions; yoga, meditation, going on a long hike.  These are great suggestions, but not necessarily for everyone.  I remember when I tried to take up meditation; it was a disaster.  I was warned that the monkeys in my brain would be active and I just needed to observe non-judgementally.  However, no one warned me that my monkeys would throw poop!  It was not a good fit for me.

Solution:  Self-care does not have to be fancy, complicated or take a lot of time.  It just needs to feel good!  Have a dance party in your kitchen.   Grab a colouring book and some pencil crayons.  Read some really fluffy chick lit.  Self-care does not have to be a spiritual journey! 

Reason 4:  We have unrealistic expectations about what self-care will do for us.

Solution:  Self-care is not a quick fix for all that ails you.  We need to maintain a regular self-care routine especially if we are feeling really stressed.  It is unrealistic to expect that a few minutes of an enjoyable activity is going to make a huge difference; however, over time, it may.  

Reason 5:  We wait for motivation to strike.  Once the motivation appears, we'll totally do it!

Solution: Um, no.  If we sit around waiting for motivation to magically appear and grace us with its presence, we could be waiting for a very, very long time.  Sometimes we just have to force ourselves to do something.  As the brilliant ad executives at Nike told us, "Just Do It."

Reason 6:  We mistake zoning out for self-care.

Solution: I love binge watching a show on Netflix as well, so definitely no judgement!  However, plopping in front of the TV for hours on end isn't necessarily self-care.  We get to escape and not do anything for awhile, but is it really recharging?  We need to balance our screen time (computers and tablets included) with activities that we actually have to engage with.

It can be really challenging to incorporate self-care into our lives, but it is so, so important.  Start small, with just a few minutes at a time, and see what happens for you.  It may take a few tries to find something that is a good fit for you.  It will be worth it though!  

Do I Worry Too Much? 9 Signs that Your Worry is Excessive

Stress Anxiety Worry | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

It can be hard to figure out what a “normal” level of worrying is, especially if worry is a regular part of your life.  You may describe yourself as a “worrier”, or know that you come from a long line of “worriers” or other people may tell you that you worry too much.  But how do you really know if you worry too much? 

How can you differentiate between regular worry and anxiety that may be impacting your quality of life? 

1.       You worry about everything.  Health, finances, job, your kids, your relationship, vacations, your house; nothing is safe from the possibility of worry.  You may not worry about everything all at once, but there is a constant hum of possible worries.  You even worry about things that are supposed to be relaxing or enjoyable (Am I doing yoga right? Do I feel how I’m supposed to be feeling? Gah, I can’t even get zen right!). 

2.       You worry most of the time.  You may have moments of calm, but for the most part, you’re worrying about something the majority of your waking hours.

3.       You have a plan for the worst case scenario, even though the probability of it happening is pretty slim.  You may even have contingency plans for multiple worst case scenarios!

4.       You experience physical symptoms that flare up during times of stress, including tummy upset or headaches.

5.       You have a hard time just being in the present moment.  Your mind is constantly going and it’s tough to just sit and be.

6.       You plan, plan, plan and sometimes it feels that you’ve planned the fun out of things that are supposed to be enjoyable.  Upcoming vacations?  Between making packing lists, researching accommodations and activities, keeping passports and tickets organized, you are exhausted!  By the time the vacation rolls around you’ve lost your enthusiasm for it or you’re already planning the next thing.

7.       You’re constantly thinking about “the next phase.”  It could be getting married, buying a house, having children, finishing your degree, the next promotion.  Rather than just living in your current circumstances, you’re always looking ahead to the next thing.  While it’s good to have goals and plans, this way of thinking can suck all the enjoyment out of the present moment.

8.       Your sleep is being affected by worry.  You may be having a hard time falling asleep because of the worries racing through your mind or you’re waking up feeling panicked in the middle of the night.  The worry is a constant companion.

9.       Your behaviour is being impacted by the worry.  You may avoid certain activities because the anxiety is too high.  You may be having a hard time initiating an activity because you’re worried about the potential outcomes.  The worry is interfering with the things you want to do.

If any of these points resonate, you may actually be worrying too much. It may be hard to imagine, but it is possible to not constantly be in a state of anxiety.  Know a fellow worrier?  Share this blog post with them.  

Know a New Mom? 10 Things You Can Do To Support Her

Supporting New Mom | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

New moms, whether she is a first time mom or fourth time mom, whether she is single or has a partner, whether she has given birth or adopted, all have one thing in common; she needs help.  However, most new moms don’t ask for help.  She may feel that she doesn’t want to burden other people, or feels awkward about asking for specific types of help, or truly feels that she should be able to do it all on their own.  However, receiving both practical and emotional support, can make a huge difference for a new mom and her emotional well-being.  

Here are a few ways that may help the new mom in your life;

1.  Bring her a home cooked meal.  Most thoughts about feeding centre around feeding the baby; “Is the baby nursing enough?”, “How do I work this breastpump?”, “Should I mix my own formula, or splurge on ready-to-serve?”  Regardless of how mom is feeding her baby, she probably hasn’t given a lot of thought to feeding herself.  Bringing a home cooked meal (double the batch, so there’s left-overs!) can feel like love in a casserole dish.

2.  Offer to take the baby for a walk so that she can rest.  This is a relatively low key-way to take the baby (and siblings if applicable) without a lot of pre-planning.  Bundle baby up in a stroller and off you go.  This will give mom the rare chance to be home alone and do things like shower, rest, or just sit on the couch and savour the solitude.  You’ll also get some exercise, so it’s a win-win for everyone!

3.  Ask her how she is feeling.  How is she feeling physically?  How is she feeling emotionally?  Don’t make any assumptions, just let her share her experience.  Really listen to her.  Often new moms have the unrealistic expectation that they are supposed to bounce back to pre-baby condition in 6 weeks flat or that they are supposed to love every moment of this new experience.  Reassure her that it’s totally normal if she is not feeling that way.

4.  Share with her if you had struggles in motherhood.  New moms can feel very isolated and disconnected from others after the arrival of a baby.  They may struggle with baby blues and up to 20% will develop postpartum anxiety or postpartum depression.  By sharing your own experience, this can help a new mom feel that she is not alone.  If she has concerns about her mood, encourage her to talk to a health professional.  Feel free to print and share 10 Things to Know about Postpartum Depression or 10 Things to Know about Postpartum Anxiety  if she is experiencing worries or feelings of depression

5.  Send a housecleaner.  Who can argue with clean toilets, vacuumed floors, and made beds?

6.  Bring her groceries, including lots of quick and healthy snacks.  Going to the grocery store with a new baby can feeling like scaling Mount Everest in flip-flops.  Bring her lots of staples, like milk, bread, eggs and quick and easy snacks.

7.  Make a list of “mommy and me” classes available in the community.  Connecting with other new moms can have a huge impact on a mom’s well-being.  She may not have the time or energy to Google available classes in her community so a ready-made list can make the task of getting out and meeting other moms that much easier.

8.  Encourage her to trust her instincts.  The world is filled with advice about babies and how to raise them.  Unfortunately, that advice is often completely conflicting and contradictory.  Co-sleep.  Don’t co-sleep.  Swaddle.  Don’t swaddle.  Don’t let them sleep in a bouncy chair.  Let them sleep anywhere that they will actually sleep.  She may feel completely overwhelmed with the onslaught of advice.  Encourage her to do what feels right for her and her baby.  Let her know that it’s okay to try things out, change her mind, and that every baby is different.  She can do this!

9.  Fold the laundry.  She will look at those hundreds of beautifully folded washcloths, think of you and smile.

10.  Check in on her regularly.  The rush of visitors and well-wishers often dies down after the first few weeks.  Make sure to maintain contact on a regular basis.  Ask her if she prefers notice before dropping by or if it’s okay to pop in.  Keep asking how she is feeling.  Postpartum depression and anxiety can develop months after having a baby.  She may need additional support during various stages of this new transition for her (babies have a way of changing things up once we feel that we’ve finally figured it all out!).

Never underestimate the impact of providing support to a new mom. Take care of her so that can take care of her new child.

How to Survive Motherhood In One Piece

Burnout New Mom | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Okay, I admit it, the title of this blog is a bit melodramatic but my guess is that many moms have had the thought; “how am I going to survive motherhood in one piece?”  Being a parent is hard work, and it can feel that by the time your children are grown and out of the house, you may only be a watered down version of the fabulous woman you used to be.  This does not need to be the case!  

How can you manage when you’re in the mothering trenches?

• Keep the judgement to a minimum. It is human nature to judge both ourselves and others, so it may be a lofty goal to eliminate all judgement, but let’s try to at least dial it down a tad.  We can be so hard on ourselves, especially when it comes to parenting.  There will be times when we make mistakes with our kids, there will be times when we’ll have no idea what we’re doing, and then there will be times when we absolutely lose it.  That’s okay, that’s what makes us human.  Show yourself some compassion when you’ve made a mistake.  Let’s also extend that same non-judgemental compassion to other moms.  We are all in this boat together and judging each other is not a great or helpful way to spending our time.  The next time you see a mom at the grocery store and her kid is freaking out, shoot her a knowing smile or even say “I’ve been there.”  You will make her day.
• Spend more time with your own friends. Part of our job description as moms is to help our children thrive socially.  We take them to playdates, host playdates, get the scoop on their friendships at school and hope that they are forming healthy relationships.  In all of this, we may start neglecting our own friendships which can be so detrimental to our own well-being.  We need our friends, their support, the laughter and the sense of camaraderie.  I know, the last thing you want to do after the kids have gone to bed is to head out into the world to grab a drink with a girlfriend.  Trust me though, you need to, you will enjoy it when you get there, and your future self will thank you.
• Invest time and effort into your romantic relationship. See that person sitting across from you at the dinner table?  Remember when you got butterflies just thinking about the next time that you would see them?   Remember how exciting the prospect of spending the rest of your life with them was?  You picked this person for a reason, and yes sometimes it can be hard to see them as anything other than a co-parent right now, but the person you love is still there.  Hang out with them.  Make sure to carve out time where you talk about things that have nothing to do with the kids.  Invest the effort now so that once the kids left you aren’t left looking at each other and thinking “now what?”
• Integrate “mom” into your identity rather than making it your entire identity. We all have an “identity pie” with various slices making up the whole of the pie.  Take stock of what makes up your identity pie.  It’s perfectly understandable that the “mom” slice may be the biggest slice right now, but you want to ensure that you continue to incorporate other slices into the pie, whether it be your professional identity, your hobbies, your passion for fitness, your interests.
• Self-care, self-care, self-care. I know, you’ve heard this one a million times and it can get a little old.  I hear from women all the time that they don’t have the time, or aren’t sure what to do, or that it doesn’t actually work all that well.  I think the most important thing about self-care is that you find something that you actually enjoy rather than just picking something from a list.  If you pick something that isn’t a good fit, it can actually backfire.  I know that many people benefit greatly from meditation and it can be a core part of someone’s self-care routine; however, for me, it is pure and utter torture.  It feels unnatural to me to be that still and quiet, so it’s not good self-care for me.  Find something that does work for you.
• Know the signs that you are starting to feel burnt out. Many of us will push through feeling stressed and overwhelmed, because sometimes we just have no choice.  However, we will often ignore signs that maybe we are stretched too thin.  Many times women will end up in my office because they have ignored their own warning signs and now things feel pretty terrible; they feel emotionally and physically exhausted, their romantic relationship feels strained and unsatisfying, previous ways of coping are no longer working, things feels out of control and they barely recognize the woman in the mirror looking back at them.  While it’s definitely possible to emerge from this bleakness, it’s probably a better idea to not get there in the first place.  What are some of your signs that you are heading to Burnt Out Town, Population: You?  Do you feel snappy and irritated a lot of the time? Are you spending way too much time on the couch?  Do you feel that you’re just going through the motions without a feeling of connection or enjoyment to anything?

Once you know your signs, do something about it! Ignoring your stress warning signs is kind of like ignoring the rotting lettuce in your vegetable drawer.  Yes, you really don’t want to do it now, but leave it long enough and it will become a liquefied, stinky mess  (the lettuce, not you ;).  Figure out what will bring your stress levels down to a more manageable levels; getting together with friends, watching a silly movie, getting a pedicure.  Or maybe it’s a sign that more significant changes need to made.  Maybe home responsibilities need to be reorganized.  Maybe you need to make some changes to your schedule.  Maybe you need some quality time just hanging out with your kids.  Find what works for you.

There will always be moments in your parenting journey that will make you want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over your head and not come out for a week.  That’s okay, that’s part of the gig.  However, you can do this, and even thrive while doing so!  Hop over to our Facebook page (www.facebook.com/londonpsychologicalservices) for Motherhood March, for more articles, discussions and information about being a mom and our emotional health.

Dear New Mom

New Mom | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Dear New Mom,

First off, you are amazing.  You have invited another human being into your life probably without much consideration for your own comfort or the changes to your life this new person will bring.  You may be feeling a bit overwhelmed with all of the changes that are happening in your life, and that’s okay; it is overwhelming!  Here are a few points to keep in mind when transitioning to this new phase in your life.

Get ready for intense highs and lows.  You have probably seen those photos of the serene mother, holding her peacefully sleeping child, and she looks well rested and fabulous.  Those moments may happen; enjoy and savour them.  There will also be moments where you are pacing the hallways, holding your screaming child at 3:00 a.m., and you can’t even remember the last time you showered.  Motherhood is not for the faint of heart.  You will go from the depths of despair to pure bliss, and that is totally normal.  It’s exhausting, confusing and probably not what you were expecting, but normal.

Start building your village.  I know that the saying goes “it takes a village to raise a child” but I think it’s more accurate to say that it takes a village to support a new mom.  Start finding members of your village at a stroller fit class, at the park in your neighbourhood, amongst old friends that you have lost contact with but are now in similar life phases.  It may feel a little awkward and uncomfortable to put yourself out there, but it will be worth it.

Ask for help.  This one can be a hard one, especially if you’ve been used to being pretty self-sufficient up until this point.  However, this is a new frontier and help is no longer optional.  It is mandatory for your well-being.  If you’re not sure what you even need help with, check out this list.  Feel free to make numerous copies, highlight what appeals to you, and distribute among your family and friends. People want to help, but may be at a loss at what to do specifically for you.

Grieve your old life.  You have just said good-bye to a version of your life that did not include another human being that needs you for almost everything at this point.  Gone are the days when you can just hop in the car and run an errand without planning and forethought.  You need to consider feeding times, naps, and without fail, your child will poop the minute you strap them into the car seat.  It is totally normal to long for easier times.  It’s okay to feel sad that your social outings now begin at 9:00 a.m rather than 9:00 p.m.  It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your child, it just means that you’re a normal human being.

Accept that mistakes are part of the process.  Remember when you were first starting to drive?  Remember when you first pressed on the gas pedal too hard, lurching you and your terrified instructor so hard that you thought you had whiplash?  Well, there’s lots of those moments in motherhood.  You can read tons of books, talk to other mothers, and have all sorts of expectations about the type of parent that you will be, but there will be blunders along the way.  These mistakes will help you learn, they will shape the type of parent you will be.  Plus, they are great resilience building exercises for your child!

Be cautious in taking advice.  Most people are well intentioned, and do genuinely want to help you.  However, they don’t necessarily know what works for you and your child.  There is so much contradictory information out there and it can be really hard to make sense of it all.  Sometimes you won’t be able to make sense of any of it.  Sometimes you will need to trust yourself and fly by the seat of your pants.  Sometimes you will need to turn to others for help and advice.  Choose those people wisely, and feel free to revise that list if it’s not working for you.

Spend some time with your pre-mom self.  Just because you have a child does not mean that you have lost every other part of your identity.  Those parts may get a bit neglected, but they are still there.  Remember the things that you felt passionate about and enjoyed doing.  Even if you can no longer immerse yourself in those things right, keep the flames stoked.   “Mom” will need to be integrated into your identity, but it does not have to be your entire identity.

Lastly, new mom, I hope that you show yourself compassion and patience.  This is one of the biggest, if not the biggest, transitions in life.  There will be moments where you will feel overwhelmed, unhappy, exhausted, and utterly defeated.  There will also be moments where you feel blissful, grateful, and totally enthralled with the new person in your life and your new role.  All of these experiences are part of the package.  Don't beat yourself up when you feel less than thrilled.  Acknowledge that this is normal and you are normal for feeling it.

Sincerely,

All of the moms that have gone before you and want to help and support you.

Know a new mom?  Please share this post with her.

Defeat Depression, London, Ontario

February 28, 2015 will be the first annual walk and talk for Defeat Depression London.  This walk is meant to raise awareness about depression and mental health.  Funds are also being raised in support of the London and District Distress Centre and Connect for Mental Health.  This is an incredible event and there is still time to participate or make a donation to one of the teams. I was very honoured to be asked to write a guest post about depression and the stigma around it.  Feel free to read it here.   Together we can all help end stigma around mental health.  It affects us all.

Imposter Syndrome: Coping with "I'm Not Good Enough Anxiety"

Imposter Syndrome | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

When I first started grad school, we were warned of a very serious condition that would likely affect us all at some point; the dreaded imposter syndrome. 

Symptoms of imposter syndrome could include:

– feeling like were not good enough to succeed at grad school

-feeling like a mistake had been made at the admissions office.  Very soon someone would have to awkwardly pull us to the side and break it to us that we needed to leave

– feeling that everyone around was much smarter, better qualified, and overall just better than us

– anxiety that someone would find out about the fact that we sucked

– feeling that we would never live up to be the ideal “grad student”; we would always be lacking in some way

– feeling like we needed to change things about ourselves to fit in

Sure enough, within a few months (or weeks…or days) many of us came down with imposter syndrome. I remember looking around at all of these brilliant future psychologists and thinking that while I had everyone fooled for the time being, soon enough my facade would crumble and everyone would realize how much I didn’t belong.  Turned out that I was not the only one, as all our anxieties came tumbling out at various times (I’m pretty sure that a mandatory  part of the graduate school experience is having a tearful freak out in a peer’s office).   Unfortunately imposter syndrome isn’t unique to graduate students (although it does seem to be rampant there!).  Many of us may feel imposter syndrome in various parts of our lives.

Have you ever felt like an imposter?  Maybe when you started a school program or a new job?  New moms will often feel that they feel like an imposter (um, why did the hospital actually let me take this baby home?  I have no idea what I am doing!).   You may have even felt like an imposter when making new friends (if they knew the real me they would never be my friend).  Usually we are infected by imposter syndrome when we are doing something new and feel anxiety about our abilities and whether we belong (anxious over achievers are often prone to imposter syndrome).

 How can we cope with imposter syndrome?  Can it ever be cured? 

Imposter syndrome is often linked with anxiety.  We worry about our abilities, our skill set and there is also a fear of being “discovered” by other people.  We do not feel good enough.  While it is very normal to feel anxious when starting a new experience, imposter syndrome can chip away at our belief in ourselves.  We begin to view things through the lens of anxiety and may misinterpret normal growing pains as a lack of our own abilities.  In order to cope with imposter syndrome we need to do a few things;

• Accept that it is totally normal to feel anxiety in new situations; how the heck are you supposed to know how to do something if you’ve never done it before?

• Acknowledge that it will take time to figure out how to do things and that once you’ve figured those out, there will be new challenges. We may always feel a bit out of our element

• Talk to others about imposter syndrome; you may be surprised to see how many people have experienced this

• Remind yourself of other times when you may have felt like an imposter; did that feeling resolve?

• Ask for help! I know this is a scary one, since you may be scared that this will reveal that you are an imposter, but part of the learning process is getting help from those who have gone before us

Feeling like an imposter sucks, but over time and with some self-compassion, these feelings can go away.  Know someone who suffers from imposter syndrome?  Share this blog post with them!

Wanna Feel Glad? You Gotta Make Room for Sad, Mad and Bad

Managing Emotions | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

We are often hit over the head with the message that we need to “think positive!” or “look for the silver lining” or “there’s always someone who has it worse than you” when we are faced with a difficult situation.  When bad things happen, the old adage "everything happens for a reason" is whipped out at least once to try to change how we feel about it. When we are struggling, we may downplay our own experience so that we don't make other people uncomfortable.  We just don't want to feel bad. However, this can get us into emotional trouble. We all came into this world with a full and complete set of emotions, ranging from the most joyous to the depths of despair.  We are meant to feel them all.  Our feelings are responses, messages, information for us to use to make sense of our world.

Despite the usefulness of all emotions, we seem to have a tense relationship with the "negative" emotions.   We may pile on judgement and criticism for feeling very reasonable and normal responses to stressful situations.  We may be shamed by others for our feelings. Every day I work with people who are beating themselves up for having normal, human reactions to incredibly tough situations (one of my most commonly used phrases in therapy is “it would be weird if you were okay with that”).Let’s stop shaming ourselves for having normal feelings.

If you are struggling with infertility and desperately want a baby, it’s okay to feel sad.

If you are concerned about your job security, it’s okay to feel anxiety.

If your child is struggling in school, it’s okay to be worried about it.

If you can’t remember the last time you really connected with another person, it’s okay to feel lonely.

If you have lost a loved one, it’s okay to feel grief.

If someone has taken advantage of you, it’s okay to feel anger.

There is nothing inherently bad about these feelings.  Yes, they feel uncomfortable.  Yes, they may bring some painful truths into our awareness.  Yes, we much rather feel the more warm and fuzzy feelings, but there is nothing inherently bad about “negative” emotions.  Where things can start going off the rails is when we start piling on unrealistic expectations about feelings on ourselves.

“I need to be strong.”

“Why am I being such a baby?”

“This is not a big deal; I don’t need to freak out.”

We judge and criticize ourselves for normal reactions, which is the equivalent of dumping a canister of gasoline on a fire.  Or we try to avoid the feelings, which is kind of like trying to shove one more thing into an already overflowing drawer.   However, by interfering with the negative feelings, we also interfere with our ability to experience positive feelings.  We can't just stop one part of the system, without impacting the entire emotional system.  Feelings can get too overwhelming, too intense or we feel emotionally paralyzed or detached.   This is usually the point when people end up in my office; they are confused, overwhelmed and tired of their own feelings.

As counter-intuitive as it may sound, in order to make room for happiness and joy, we also need to make room for the negative feelings.  We need to accept our own responses and reactions.  However, this can be tough, especially if you have been struggling with your feelings for a long time.  It can be hard to regain emotional balance.  A large component of the therapy process is identifying feelings, understanding why those feelings are present, accepting the feelings for what they are and adjusting expectations about feelings.  Your feelings don't need to be a battle.

7 Signs That You May be an Anxious Over Achiever (Even if You Would Never Describe Yourself as One)

Anxious Overachiever | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

We all know one.  That person who always seems to have it together.  She seems to always be on the go, getting involved in committees and projects.  She gets up at 5:00 a.m. to fit in a morning work-out.  She is kind and gracious, with a large group of friends.  Her home is beautifully decorated.  She gets recognition at work.  She always looks put together.  However, despite this, she feels that she is never good enough.  There is a constant sense of “should do more.”  The anxiety may be overwhelming that pops up every now and again or it may be a constant, quiet hum that is always there.  She is always striving to do more, yet it never feels good enough.  She is the anxious over achiever.  She is prone to worry and her way of coping is to achieve.  However, it is never enough.  There is always more to do.  It is exhausting.  

Are you an anxious over-achiever?

1. The idea that you are an over achiever is laughable (to you).  However, you likely have heard from other people “I don’t know how you do it.”  You may have done really well in school, even gone on to advanced degrees.  You get involved in your community, whether it’s sitting on committees or even starting a group.  You have a skill or talent that you are known for. If you objectively assess, you have probably done things that most people do not do.

1. You have a difficult time acknowledging your accomplishments.  It might feel like you are bragging.  You minimize your successes (“It’s really not that big of a deal that I made partner at my firm”).  You tend to surround yourself with other accomplished people and feel that you never quite measure up to their successes.

1. You have a hard time finishing projects because they won’t be “perfect.”  Whether it’s a craft, an article that you’re trying to write, or decorating a room, there is a block.  You have an ideal outcome, and if you feel that you can’t reach it, it’s not worth doing.  The idea of making mistakes terrorizes you.  You have struggled with procrastination.

1. You would describe yourself as a worrier.  You worry about your family.  You worry about your finances.  You worry about your health.  You worry about your job.  You worry about your parenting skills.  You worry about the future.  The anxiety has likely been a life-long companion.

1. You cope with the worry by making plans.  You have a plan A, B, C & D.  You make lists (it gives you a thrill to check something off as completed!).  You have an idea of where you want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years.  You try to map out your life.

1. You’re both drawn to and completely confused by “laid back” people.  You can’t understand how someone can just leave packing a suitcase until the last minute.  You’re baffled by their approach to just “play it by ear.”  However, you are drawn to this type of person and may even choose someone like this as your partner (which then can lead to frustrations down the road).

1. There is a discrepancy between your expectations of yourself (very high), your perceptions of yourself (low) and reality (likely closer to your expectations than you acknowledge).  While setting high expectations is not necessarily a bad thing, you often set them *too* high and often in all parts of your life.  You want to be the best mother, wife, professional, yogi, scrapbooker and baker that Pinterest tells you that you should be.  However, you are hard on yourself, and perceive yourself as falling very short of your expectations.  You have a mental list of the mistakes you’ve made, how you are failing and you are your own worst critic.  If you objectively assessed your successes (or had other people judge them), there is a great likelihood that your reality is much closer to your expectations then you give yourself credit for.

How do you break the anxious over achiever cycle?  First acknowledge that you are one.  This may be a tough one, since it involves accepting that you are indeed an over achiever.  Own your accomplishments and your strengths.  There is nothing shameful about acknowledging it.  Once you have accepted that you are an anxious over achiever, start becoming aware of 1) your expectations 2) your perceptions and 3) reality.  Often there is a tension between the three which can create anxiety; if you feel that you’re never living up to a certain ideal (despite evidence to the contrary) this is going to fuel the anxiety.  You will be stuck in a place of feeling never “enough. “

Often anxious over achievers seek therapy because the anxiety becomes overwhelming.  While over achieving may keep the anxiety at bay for a period of time, as life becomes more challenging, this coping mechanism is just not sustainable.   There is no way to be amazing at all things.  Learning to be more compassionate to ourselves, allowing ourselves to fail, allowing ourselves to lower the bar and learning to tolerate, rather than fight, the anxiety are ways to break this anxiety cycle.  Believe that you are good enough.