As Mother Day approaches, this can be a particularly challenging time for women who have had challenges in their fertility journey.
When you choose to become a mother, there is usually a basic expectation; you decide to starting trying, you have unprotected sex and then you eventually get pregnant. Once you are pregnant, you have 9 months to prepare for the arrival of your baby, read a bunch of books about what to expect during pregnancy and birth, maybe hire a doula and then have your baby.
This is the story that we’ve been sold. Since adolescence, we have been warned that if we look at our partner too intensely, we could find ourselves knocked up.
However, for many women the path to motherhood is not this straightforward. Even if everything is “normal”, there is only a 20% chance to conceive each month. Unfortunately, even if you get pregnant, about 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Add in complications in pregnancy, birth trauma and the devastating loss of a baby, the story that we’ve been told about having a baby can feel like a gigantic lie.
So what should you do if you find that your reproductive journey has more potholes than the Gardiner Expressway? First off, know that you are not alone. While this can be cold comfort, it is important to know that you are not the only one who is going through this. While everyone’s journey is slightly different, some of the common reactions are universal.
Disbelief. Grief. Shame.
Feeling like there is something wrong with you.
These are all normal and common reactions. This is an incredibly challenging time and is compounded if you are feeling alone.
Unlike many other medical conditions, there is a usually a sense of secrecy surrounding fertility. This typically starts because choosing to begin to conceive is a personal decision. However, the further you get along in your journey the more alone you begin to feel, while the need for support increases.
However, once you do seek support, you may be on the receiving end of awkwardness, unhelpful advice and platitudes and people who just don’t know how to deal. The need for support is at odds with not wanting to deal with people, who while well-intentioned, can just be dumb.
Finding support can feel like an enormous task, but keep trying until you find someone who gets it. Given how common fertility related difficulties are, there is a good chance that there is someone in your circle that has gone through similar experiences. The relief that you feel when you find someone who truly gets it, can make all of the awkwardness leading up to worth it.
Tell people exactly what you need. If you need to vent and cry, with zero offers of solutions, let your support system know. If you don’t want to talk about, that’s okay to. You are allowed to change your mind.
If you are at the point in your journey where you feel that you need to make a major decision (whether to proceed to medical interventions, looking at adoption or choosing to remain childfree), you are allowed to grieve that things haven’t worked out the way that you had expected. You are allowed to feel that this isn’t fair or how you envisioned your life.
It is okay to feel all the feelings.
Reproductive difficulties can make you feel totally out of control of your body, your life and your future. This may be a very new experience, especially if you are the type of person that has always been able to attain a goal, make a plan, readjust and pivot when needed.
It can be very disconcerting when all of your previous coping skills no longer work. You try to research, you try to make plans, you try to run through all of the possible scenarios and yet it doesn’t get you closer to any the result that you want. The feelings of helplessness can be paralyzing.
This may be the first time in your life that you can’t fix it. You can’t find a solution. You have to rely on others to obtain what you desire.
In all of these experiences, there is a sense of loss. Whether it’s the loss of your identify as a future mother or the loss of a pregnancy or infant, the loss is unlike any other loss. You do not know the person that you have lost, but the pain is unlike anything you have ever experienced. The dreams and hopes that you had are gone.
It is heartbreaking and yet, there are no rituals, no acknowledgements, no casseroles being delivered to you. It is often a grief that is experienced by yourself.
I see you. I understand your grief.
This Mother’s Day, give yourself permission to do what you need. Whether it’s staying home with a carton of ice cream and binge watching Gossip Girl or spending the day hiking in the woods, listen to your needs and meet them.