Can You "Baby-Proof" Your Relationship?

Relationships | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Having a baby is one of the biggest transitions that a relationship ever experiences.  Couples will often identify the birth of a child as the time period when their relationship changed, and usually not for the better.  Couples spend less time together, they are exhausted (and maybe a wee more irritable than usual), their focus is on the baby rather than each other, and it feels like everything has changed.  Research has shown that overall relationship satisfaction significantly drops following the birth of a child.  Most couples are not prepared for these significant changes (we really should start doing a better job at preparing couples!) and it can be very stressful when your relationship starts to feel different at such a critical time.  Is it possible to “baby-proof” your relationship?

The short answer is a resounding NO.  There is no way to avoid that your relationship will change after having a child.  Your lives will have fundamentally changed; you are now responsible for the care and raising of another human being.  Remember in your childfree days when a weekend stretched out in front of you, full of possibility, fun and free time? That doesn’t happen anymore.  Your new bundle of joy does not care that it is Saturday; s/he will still be up at 5:00 a.m and need to be fed, changed, put down for a nap, repeat.  Those long romantic dinners?  Those are now replaced by scrambling last minute to figure out what to feed yourselves (the pizza delivery man is likely the only reason my husband and I didn’t starve to death during the newborn period).  Things will change, they will be more difficult, and there is no way around it; a baby will change your relationship.

However, despite these changes, you can prepare yourselves and your relationship to better cope with these changes.  Firstly, you need to dramatically adjust your expectations about how the new addition will affect your relationship.  Of course, there is no way to fully understand the changes that are heading your way unless you’ve experienced it before, but having a general idea that things will change is a good idea.  We tend to better cope with things when we have some expectations that things will happen.  We don’t tend to do well with surprises.  If you have a baby on the way, ask friends (the genuine, won’t sugar-coat things type of friends) how a baby affected their relationship.  If you already have a child, adjust your expectations based on things that have already happened.  If you and your partner tend to pass out in an exhausted heap everyday at 8:00 p.m., it is probably unrealistic to expect that a late night out is the answer to spending time together.  Acceptance of our current set of circumstances can be hugely helpful in coping with transitions (it won’t be like this forever!).

In addition to setting realistic expectations, having a regular stream of communication between partners can greatly help in protecting your relationship.  Talking about your own experiences, sharing your feelings (even if they aren't pretty), and trying to understand your partner’s experience can help you cope with the changes and actually deepen the connection with your partner.  Talking doesn't have to be focused on resolving an issue, it can just be a way to connect and feel like you’re both on the same team (a very tired, overwhelmed and not at its best team, but a team nonetheless!).   While there is no doubt that the addition of a child will change your relationship, it is possible that this change can be a positive one.

10 Things to Know About Postpartum Anxiety

Postpartum Depression | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

1. Anxiety can begin during pregnancy, the perinatal period, in addition to after birth.  You may start feeling anxiety symptoms up to 12 months after birth.

1. Anxiety symptoms can be physical; heart racing, feeling flushed and sweaty, tightness in chest, difficulties with sleeping.  You might feel revved up all the time, like you want to jump out of your own skin.  Sitting still feels impossible.

1. Anxiety symptoms can be experienced in our mind; worrying about all sorts of things, imagining the worst case scenario, second guessing yourself, feeling unable to make a decision.  You might be having constant racing thoughts about whether you are capable of taking care of a baby, whether you are doing things the "right" way, imagining all of the possible consequences of every decision.  Your brain feels like it's on overload.

1. Anxiety can impact our behaviour; you may avoid situations that provoke anxiety, repetitively do a task, constantly check things.  You may spend hours perfectly folding wash cloths, stacking diapers into equally distributed piles, checking the oven repetitively to make sure it's not on.  Doing these behaviours may calm the anxiety for a brief period of time, but the anxiety always returns.

1. You might have very upsetting, disturbing thoughts ("what if I smothered my baby with a blanket").  You know that you would never act on the thought, but the thought seems to pop out of nowhere and is very upsetting.  These are called intrusive thoughts and can be quite common (but obviously very distressing).

1. You may try to control your environment to cope with anxiety; cleaning and organizing things while the baby sleeps (even though you are on the brink of exhaustion).

1. You may feel very anxious about being alone with your baby.  You are not sure if you can take care of your baby, get overwhelmed when the baby is crying and feel like you're never doing anything right.

1. You may avoid going out of the house because you're worried that the baby might cry in public, or you're not sure how you're going to manage to feed your baby or you're overwhelmed with the idea of interacting with other people.  However, staying at home may also be challenging as you may feel trapped.

1. Perinatal and postpartum anxiety is not limited to first-time moms.  Even if you have had previous experiences with a baby, you may still develop anxiety.  Anxiety is not about lacking skills in caring for a baby, it is an emotional reaction.There are treatment options available, including therapy, medications or a combination of both.  Please reach out to a healthcare provider if you feel that you are experiencing anxiety symptoms.  While all new moms will experience some level of worries and anxieties, if you are feeling anxious all the time and it is interfering with your ability to enjoy this time of your life, please reach out.

10.  There are treatment options available, including therapy, medications or a combination of both.  Please reach out to a healthcare provider if you feel that you are experiencing anxiety symptoms.  While all new moms will experience some level of worries and anxieties, if you are feeling anxious all the time and it is interfering with your ability to enjoy this time of your life, please reach out.

10 Things to Know about Postpartum Depression

Postpartum Depression | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Here are some things you should know about postpartum depression.

1.  Depression can actually begin during pregnancy (the perinatal period) and not just after birth.

2.  One of the strongest predictors of postpartum depression is previous episodes of depression.

3.  While some women experience feelings of sadness, other women report an absence of feelings (feeling "blah" and disconnected) or even intense anger.

4.  Other symptoms of postpartum depression include difficulties sleeping or sleeping more than often, changes in appetite, feeling guilty about how you are feeling, feeling like things will never get better, difficulties bonding with your baby, feeling disconnected from others.

5.  While it is normal to feel all of these feelings after having a child, during postpartum depression the feelings are severe, last longer than 2 weeks and you experience them the majority of the time.

6.  Postpartum depression is one of the most common complications of childbirth.

7. Media coverage of mothers who hurt themselves or their babies often confuse postpartum depression with postpartum psychosis, which is a very rare disorder that includes symptoms like hearing or seeing things that others do not see, feeling like you are being controlled by something or someone and feeling driven to hurt yourself or your child.  If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, it is essential to present to the emergency department immediately.

8.  Having postpartum depression does not mean that you don't want or love your child.

9.  Postpartum depression affects approximately 15% of all mothers.

10.  Postpartum depression is treatable, either through therapy, medication, or a combination of both.  You do not have to feel like this.

4 Ways to Boost Your Sense of Gratitude and Your Mood

When was the last time that you felt truly grateful for something? Feeling gratitude is fostering an appreciation for the things, people or experiences that you have in your life.  Fostering gratitude can create an immediate impact on our happiness levels.  Studies have shown that participants who write about things that they are grateful for endorse higher levels of happiness than those who write about neutral or negative things.   Feeling gratitude can also have long term effects on our emotional well being.   If we make gratitude a regular part of our routine, we are more likely to tolerate distress better when negative events occur in our lives.  Fostering a sense of gratitude can also increase our overall mood.

How do you foster a sense of gratitude?  As with most things in life, there is no one-size fits-all approach.  Here are some ways to foster gratitude that may work for you.

1. Feel gratitude in the present moment.  If you are having an enjoyable moment, take a minute to truly experience gratitude for that experience.  You may want to include your senses in this experience i.e. I feel grateful for being at the beach, feeling the warmth of the sand between my fingers, hearing the waves crash against the shore, smelling the scent of sunscreen, seeing the bright sun and tasting the salt of the ocean.  By incorporating all of our senses, we can connect with our own experience and intensify the feeling of gratitude

2. Start a gratitude journal.  Some people find the process of writing very grounding and foster a sense of reflection.  Writing in a journal also provides us the opportunity to take a few minutes for ourselves where we are not tending to other people.

3. Reflect at the end of day about what you are feeling grateful for.  This can become a part of your bedtime routine and is a great way to wind down and focus on the positives in your life rather than focusing on the stressors (which can interfere with falling asleep).  You can even start this routine with your children as part of their bedtime routine.  Children tend to enjoy reflecting on their day and describing their favorite and most enjoyable parts.  It can also be a great way to minimize bedtime crankiness!

4. Tell someone that you are grateful for them and the things that they do.  Often we focus on what is lacking in our relationships so this can provide us with a new perspective.  Showing gratitude in a relationship can also increase our feelings of connection.

Try these gratitude boosts and see how you feel!

5 Reasons Why You’re Not Getting The Support That You Need

The benefits of social support are undeniable. We all need support during difficult times in our lives.  Research has shown that social support is related to positive emotional and physical health.  However, sometimes beneficial support can be difficult to find.  Sometimes people’s attempts at being supportive can make us feel worse.  What gets in the way of support that is actually, you know, supportive?

1.  We are afraid of seeking support.  We may be fearful that others will judge us or not understand our struggles.  We may be fearful of rejection.  This fear can lead to missed opportunities for support.  There is a blood work lab here in London, Ontario that opens early every morning for women who are undergoing fertility treatments.  Every morning the lab’s waiting room is full of women who are waiting to get their blood drawn to determine their hormone levels, to learn how their treatment cycle is going, or to learn whether their treatment cycle was successful.  Most of these women likely have had many similar experiences and could probably relate to one another.  However, on most mornings, this waiting room is silent and most women even avoid making eye contact with one another.  We don’t want to intrude, invade anyone’s privacy, or may be too anxious ourselves to even start a conversation.  However, this fear can stand in the way of connecting with others who may truly understand what we are going through.

2. We fall into the role of supporter, rather than supportee.  Sometimes it is more comfortable to simply listen and be there for other people.  If a friend begins to talk about her own struggles, it may feel wrong to turn the conversation to yourself.  You may have become known among your circle as an amazing listener, a calming force, someone who can help with anything.  These are wonderful qualities to have, but they can get in the way of receiving your own support.  Don’t shy away from voicing your own needs.  Those who have been on the receiving end of your support will likely be more than happy to be there for you.

3. We try to downplay our own feelings and our own needs for support.  Sometimes, as a way of coping, we may minimize our own struggles and deny that we even need support.  The idea of seeking support may feel like we are admitting that we are having difficulties.  People may be stunned to know that you are struggling because you hide it so well.  However, your feelings are valid.  Acknowledge and validate the feelings that you are having.  It’s okay to be having them and it’s okay to need some help.

4. We are getting the wrong type of support, but don’t speak up.  When I work with couples, there tends to be a familiar pattern of support gone wrong.  One member of the couple is the “fixer” and the other is the "venter."  The venter finds talking about their difficulties to be very beneficial.  However, when the fixers hears of a problem or struggle, they immediately go into problem solving mode.  The fixer hears the venting as a call to action.   However, the venter doesn’t want a fix, they just want to talk about it and feel supported.  This can create a feeling of disconnect.  The fixer is confused about why the venter is getting frustrated when all they want to do is help.  The venter is feeling unheard and misunderstood.  Both parties leave the interaction feeling like they were just speaking to each other in a foreign language.  It is critical to be clear about what we need from our support system, especially since our needs may change depending on the situation.

5. We need more support or help than our support system is able to give.  There are situations which there is a very clear need for outside support.   Professional support, which can be found through therapy, is not a replacement for your own support system.  It is a complement to it.  Seeking professional support provides you with a time and a place that it all about you and your needs.  This can be very different than accessing your friends and family as supports, as they are often personally impacted by your struggles.  Having an unbiased perspective can be incredibly helpful in coping with difficulties.

Having support can make us feel less isolated, less distressed and more connected to those in our lives.  The feeling that someone has listened, understood and cared about us can make even the most bleak situations feel that much more tolerable.

The Emotional Roller Coaster of Infertility

Infertility | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

May 24-31, 2014 is Canadian Infertility Awareness Week.  The goal of this week is to raise awareness and break the silence about infertility, treatment options and the impacts of infertility.  One of these impacts is the emotional experience that comes along with infertility, which can include both exhilarating highs and devastating lows.  Unlike an actual roller coaster though, this ride is not fun.

When we think about “normal” procreation, we think that it will go something like this:

Step 1. Decide to have a baby

Step 2. Have unprotected sex

Step 3. Get pregnant

Step 4.  Have a baby

Imagine our surprise, when it doesn't quite happen that way.  For years we have heard about the importance of birth control and preventing unwanted pregnancies.   We believe that getting pregnant is relatively easy.  How could our high school health teacher be so wrong?  Given that the chance of pregnancy in a “normal” couple in any given month is only about 20%, we clearly are slightly delusional about the level of control that we have in conception.  This is where the emotional roller coaster can begin.  We start realizing that we are *not* actually in control and that can be a very uncomfortable realization.

While many couples will naturally conceive in a few months, some of us aren't quite so lucky.  1 in 6 couples will experience infertility. Infertility is typically defined as the inability to conceive after 1 year of trying for women under the age of 35, or 6 months for those 35 years of age or older.  This means that many couples experiencing infertility may experience at least 6-12 months of this cycle:

Period starts – After the  disappointment of not achieving pregnancy (more on this later),    we start feeling hopeful, believing that this may be the month that pregnancy is achieved.  We may start planning our due date if this month is *the* month.  Things are feeling positive; the roller coaster is moving on up.

Waiting for ovulation – we begin tracking fertility signs, checking in with various fertility apps we have installed on our phone, use ovulation predictor kits.  We try to regain some sense of control over the situation.  The roller coaster is going straight ahead, but we know that there’s twists and turns ahead. Anticipation starts to build.

Ovulation – WE NEED TO HAVE SEX NOW!  As many couples struggling with infertility will tell you, nothing puts a damper on your sex life like having to schedule sex.  Relationship stress, particularly around sexual intimacy, can be deeply affected by the struggles of infertility.  Couples struggling with infertility will often report that the quality of their sexual relationship starts to deteriorate as sex has changed from something enjoyable to merely a means to an end.

The dreaded 2 week wait- this is where things get super fun.  Once ovulation has come and gone, we now wait to see if pregnancy has been achieved.  Every twinge, ache, pain and physical symptom is analyzed.  Emotionally this is where the rollercoaster starts twisting, turning, going upside down, sideways and backwards.  We feel hopeful, then despair, then back to hopeful.  It can be emotionally exhausting.

Period arrives – this is when the emotional roller coaster plummets.  All of that hopefulness has disappeared.  All that is left is the disappointment.  Another month has gone by, and no pregnancy.  We feel sad, angry, disappointed and then.....that little bit of hope starts to rear its head and we prepare for the ride again.

Going through this cycle repeatedly is emotionally exhausting.   As each cycle goes by, the disappointment may feel more intense while the hope starts to decrease.  If a couple decides to pursue fertility treatment, this emotional roller coaster is intensified.  Now you have to endure medical testing (which can feel embarrassing and invasive), figuring out medical terminology (I.U.I. vs I.V.F.), the additional stress of financial pressures (fertility treatments can be very expensive), talking to strangers about your sex life and potentially experiencing side effects of fertility medications.  The stakes get higher as each cycle passes.   Participating in treatments often includes regular bloodwork, ultrasounds, injections, uncomfortable procedures and all with no guarantee that it will work.  You have to attend multiple appointments, miss time from work, possibly travel far distances if there is no fertility clinic near your home.  The stress starts to compound.

The emotional roller coaster may start plummeting lower and lower.  You may start feeling anxious and depressed.  You may start isolating yourself from friends and families.  Well-meaning, but often poorly informed, advice (just go on vacation, have a few drinks and it will happen!) can feel terrible.  You start realizing just how out of control you truly are in this entire process.

How do you cope with these emotional highs and lows?  Social support has been found to be beneficial for couples experiencing infertility.  Having a family member or friend who will let you vent, cry and express your feelings can be helpful.  You may need to be explicit that you are not looking for advice or platitudes, you just need an ear.  Setting healthy boundaries for yourself may be helpful.  It's okay to miss the occasional baby shower if the emotional impact is too intense.  Allow yourself to feel your reactions; they are normal and understandable.  Working with a therapist may be helpful to help cope with these intense emotions.  Whatever you do, please do not ride this roller coaster alone.

Balancing Self-Care and Care Giving

Care giving can come in many forms. You might be caring for children, for elderly parents, an ill spouse, siblings who turn to you at a time of need. Your profession may involve care giving. Care giving can be physical acts (feeding, clothing, wiping snotty noses!) or providing emotional support. Regardless of whom you are caring for and what that care looks like, it can be exhausting! While there is no doubt that taking care of others can feel good (and is often necessary), it can be tricky to balance the care of others and your own self care. Self care is critical to your own emotional well being. There is basic self care such as eating a balanced diet, getting enough sleep and engaging in physical activity. Even these basics can be neglected when caring for other people. Sleepless parents can definitely relate to the experience of having their own sleep affected by care giving to a child in the middle of the night. In addition to basic self care, we greatly benefit from participating in activities that we find enjoyable. Having a hobby is linked to greater creativity, increased problem solving skills and overall emotional well being. Self care can also include seeing friends and engaging with our support system. Feeling a sense of connection is associated with better mental health, decreased levels of depression and anxiety and can help us cope better with stressors.

Often caregivers feel that their own self care is very low on the priority list. There may even be guilt associated with engaging in self care. This lack of self care however, can have detrimental effects. If we do not engage in our own self care, we can start to suffer both emotionally and physically. Our ability to cope begins to decrease and we start to feel overwhelmed. When we feel overwhelmed, we are unable to provide optimal care giving. We may start to feel frustrated with those that we are caring for. Requests for our help can feel enormously stressful. We may eventually feel so burnt out, that we are no longer able to provide care giving.

In order to avoid these feelings of being frustrated, overwhelmed and burnt out, we need to make self care a priority. It is not a luxury, but a necessity in order for us to be able to take care of those that we love and value. By taking care of ourselves, we are taking care of others as well. Take the time today to do something that is just for you, something that you enjoy and value. Banish feelings of guilt, as you are not doing anything wrong by taking care of yourself. Just enjoy, recharge and reap the benefits of self care.

Big Feelings, Little Bodies

Dr. Agnes Wainman will be speaking tonight (April 9, 2014) at the Stoney Creek branch of the London Public Library (920 Sunningdale Road East, London, ON) at 7:30 p.m. about emotional development, helping your child understand their own emotional experiences and how to cope with with "big" feelings.  Hope to see you there!

Do you feel connected?

If you think back over the last 24 hours, how much of that time was spent feeling truly connected to another human being?  Many of us are severely lacking in true connection despite the constant communication with others (in-person, e-mail, text, Facebook).  How many discussions have you had about superficial topics like the weather with people in the last little while (although I have to admit, with this winter, it’s hard not to talk about!).  We don’t spend a lot of time trying to understand how another person feels or talking about our own experiences. This lack of connection can have a negative impact on our emotional well-being.  As human beings, we are driven to connect with others.  Babies seek attachment and comfort from the moment they are born.   Social support is a strong predictor of good mental health, physical health and even lifespan.  Having positive relationships just feels good.  In the next 24 hours, try to find one person that you can connect with.  Maybe strike up a conversation with another parent in the school yard.  Turn off the TV, and spend some time talking with your partner.  Bond with a co-worker by discussing some of the shared stressors you have.  Connect and recharge your own sense of well-being.

Do you feel loved?

With Valentine’s Day just a few days away, we are bombarded with symbols of love.  Hearts, chocolate, flowers, cupid.  Restaurants are bursting at the seams with diners out for the “most romantic night of the year”.  Romantic songs are on constant rotation on the radio.  You cannot escape from all the LOVE, which can be great if you feel that you’re a full member of the love club.  However, for those who are struggling in a relationship, these can be painful reminders that our own relationships are falling short of the love ideal. We all have different ideas about what it means to love and to be loved.  Often, those ideas may even be very different from your partner’s.  This is where a feeling of disconnect can occur.  For example, imagine Bob and Sue (a fictional couple).  Sue makes Bob a cup of coffee every morning and leaves it for him on the counter.  At some point, Bob stops drinking the coffee (caffeine is making him a bit too jittery!).  Sue stops making the coffee.  One day, Bob confesses that he is hurt that Sue is no longer making him that cup of coffee.   Sue is confused, because Bob didn’t drink the coffee so why should she make it?  Turns out that the simple act of Sue making a cup of coffee for Bob, made Bob feel loved.  He felt thought of, cared about, loved.  It didn’t matter to him that he didn’t drink the coffee, the sight of that coffee cup on the counter every morning was the meaningful part.  Sue had looked at the act in a very practical way, it was not a special ritual in the way Bob had viewed it.  If Bob wasn’t drinking the coffee, why make it?  Now Sue gets it.  That cup of coffee was not about the coffee, it was about loving Bob.  She goes back to making the coffee (decaf, of course!).

So often, our acts of loving are missed, or we miss when we are being loved.  It is like we are trying to speak to our partners in a different language.  We need to start speaking the same language.  For this Valentine’s Day, ask your partner “how can I make you feel loved?”  Tell your partner what you need to feel loved.  You may be surprised at what you discover!