The Ripple Effect: How our Feelings can Change the World

Feelings Emotions | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

You know those days when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. You feel irritable, low on patience and everything feels overwhelming.

What happens in your interactions with others? Maybe you’re a bit snappier with your kids? You roll your eyes at your partner’s joke that he has made to try to cheer you up. You don’t let someone pull in front of you in traffic.  It’s really hard to listen to your co-worker’s complaints again.  

And then you feel guilty. You didn’t want to feel like this or treat others badly. You want to have a good day. You beat yourself up and vow that things will be different. And maybe they are. And sometimes, despite your best intentions, things still feel crappy.

How about those days when you are feeling great? You are feeling energized and positive. Your kid is freaking out and you are able to get to their level and diffuse the situation.  You look at your partner, feel grateful for your imperfect relationship and give them a hug. This time you do let someone go ahead of you. You are able to empathize with your co-worker; she is really having a hard time.

Ripples.

How we feel has a ripple effect. Our emotional well-being impacts how we interact with both our most intimate friends and complete strangers. How we treat them may impact how they treat someone else later that day.

Ripples.

So, now  I’m responsible for the emotional well-being of everyone else?!?!?

Of course not.  We are all ultimately responsible for our own well-being.

I cannot make you happy.

You cannot make me happy.

However, our emotional experiences do not happen in a vacuum. We affect others and others affect us. Even if we decide to live on a deserted island all by ourselves, our lack of others will affect us.  It’s part of being human; we desire connection yet are scared by it.

The truth is we are all the walking wounded. We all have our emotional bump and bruises. For some of us, our emotional injuries are catastrophic. We differ in how we tend to those wounds.

Some of us pretend that the wound doesn’t exist, even though it’s gushing blood.

Some of us pick at our wounds. We scratch and pick and can’t find relief.

Sometimes we allow the wound to heal, but a bump or jostle can make it twinge.

Then we go out into the world and we interact with other wounded people. Sometimes we find solace when we find someone who truly gets our wound, because they have a matching scar. Sometimes our wounds make it impossible for us to connect, even though it’s what we so desperately need. Sometimes all we can see is someone’s wound and not the person that they are underneath all that messiness. 

We are expected to be the perfect parent and empathize with our kids, even though we have never been on the receiving end of empathy ourselves. We are expected to have this passionate, amazing romantic relationship even when we have no clue what a realistic relationship looks like. We are expected to maintain relationships that are incredibly harmful to us to keep up appearances.

We are the walking wounded.

This can be a pretty depressing thought. It definitely doesn’t me give the warm fuzzies.

However, it is amazing to be a witness when someone acknowledges their wounds. When rather than shaming, judging or criticizing yourself for an emotional response, you allow it to happen and understand why it’s happening.

You start showing yourself compassion and kindness.

You start making choices that are healthier for you.

You make space for true connection with others.

The healing starts.

And then the amazing ripple effects happen.

You may make someone feel so much better just be being authentic and honest. You are finally able to put all of those parenting strategies into place because you are actually functioning from a healthy place (have you ever noticed how so much parenting advice doesn’t actually consider how the parent is doing?). You may model to your daughter that self-care is okay. You may model to your son that having feelings is okay. You may show your partner that you accept them, flaws and all.

Ripples.

I want you to heal your wounds for you. I want you to feel less anxiety, to feel that you’re enough, to feel like you’re living the life that fits for you.

However, the impact that your healing can have on the world can be truly amazing. I see it every day. As wounds begin to heal, the ripple effects begin.

Our feelings can change the world. 

Summer Plans for the Stressed Out Teacher

Being a teacher is a tough gig! You're being pulled in so many different directions, have so many kids' needs to attend to, and you have your own life too! By the end of the school year, you are probably burnt out! Here is a plan for how to refuel your coping tank during your summer break.

Self-Care for Professional Women

Work can be a huge source of stress for  women. Here's a quick video on how to take care of yourself when you're feeling overwhelmed by work.  

The Epidemic of the Overwhelmed, Worried Woman

Stress Anxiety | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

When people find out that I am a psychologist, one of the first questions they ask is

 “What is your speciality/who do you work with?”

(Sometimes they also ask if I’m trying to read their minds and that’s when I need to remind myself that it’s not polite to roll my eyes.)

When I reply that my primary focus is overwhelmed and worried women, the typical response is:

“Isn’t that all of them?”

“You must be really busy.”

“Can I have your card?”

While I’m incredibly grateful that I have found my professional passion and there is a need for the work that I do, it’s also super disheartening that we have come to a place that we have accepted that a woman’s natural resting state should be “overwhelmed and worried.”

What is contributing to your overwhelmed and worried state?

1.       You think of “worried” as a stable personality trait, rather than something that can be changed. You may come from a long line of “worriers” and been exposed to excessive worry, so it’s the norm for you. You may have integrated “worrier” into a part of your identity and can’t envision a life without worry.  It is not even on the radar that maybe you don’t have to worry so much.

2.       You have unrealistic expectations of yourself.  You feel that you should be able to do it all; be a great mom, great wife, great friend, great professional, great decorator, great cook, great “insert favourite Pinterest board.” This is a great way to end up overwhelmed, because there is no way you can be great at everything.

3.       You have a hard time saying no. Sure, you’re more than happy to bake 100 cupcakes for the school bake sale! Of course, chairing that awful committee is no problem!  You would absolutely love to organize a camping trip for 20 people. Or not. But, saying no feels icky and then you have to deal with the guilt, so you just say yes.  And then feel resentment. And tired. And you vow that you will never agree to something that you don’t want to do again. Until someone asks again.

4.       You link your self-worth to what you do, rather than who you are.  It feels that you need a long to-do list to prove your value. If you’re not doing, you’re not worthy. It is hard to accept that you are enough simply because you are you.

5.       Your coping tank is empty and you need refuelling. When you are running on empty, worry can take over. Most things feel so much more difficult and challenging when you have nothing left in the tank.  

While this overwhelmed and worried state is common, it is not normal or healthy. We cannot simply accept that our lives should make us emotionally and physically ill. One of the easiest things we can do to reduce our feelings of being overwhelmed and worried is to start making a conscious effort to engage in more self-care. Make your own well-being a priority.

If you’re ready to ditch the worry and create a life that truly works for you, please contact me. I would be happy to help you start shedding the overwhelmed and worry label. 

38 Therapists, 3 Days, 1 Huge Lesson

Vulnerability | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

This is a story about connection, vulnerability and showing up just as you are. I just came back from a conference. It wasn't your usual conference though. I travelled across three time zones to spend 3 days with 37 other therapists that I had never met in person. As my depature date drew nearer and near, my anxiety began to creep up.

“What if they don't like me?”

“What am I going to say? What if I sound dumb?”

“What am I going to wear?”

I knew that in order to get the most out of the conference, I would need to be authentic. Honest. Actually admit that I didn't always know what I was doing. This was both terrifying but also curiously freeing. I was not only permitted, but actually encouraged, to just show up as I was.

So I did show up, anxiety and all.

And the most amazing things started to happen.

My anxiety started to go down. I began to learn not only skills, but started to learn about myself. Other attendees were sharing about their own fears and vulnerability. Walls came down. People started sharing parts of themselves.

And then the connections started happening.

People were developing relationships. Finding kindred spirits.

Soul sisters.

Spirit animals.

People who had only met the day before were sharing their struggles and supporting each other. We had found our tribe. A group of people that understood us, appreciated us and wanted to support us as we grew.

At the end of the conference, many tears were shed. My own protective shell had completely crumbled and the soft marshmallowy core of me was seeping out of my eyeballs. We were sad that we were parting ways but also so grateful that when we showed up with vulnerability, we were received with warmth, acceptance and kindness.

This is what we all need. We need our tribe. We need to feel safe to just show up as we are. We need those people who we can be vulnerable with.

But it's so, so hard. Even walking into a space filled with therapists, some of the most non-judgmental, empathetic people in the world, was really scary. Leaning in to our own vulnerability leaves us feeling so exposed, so at risk for hurt and rejection.

However, the alternative is just as scary. If we walk around all the time with our walls up, we miss the opportunity to truly connect with others. By tapping into our own vulnerability, we are able to truly show up and then allow others to show up as well.

Here is a challenge for you; show up just as you are. We want to see you.

Please share this with the people that you truly want to see #ShowUpAsYouAre

5 Easy Ways to Shush the "Not Good Enoughs"

Negative Self-talk | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

You know that feeling that you're not enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, not “fill in the blank” enough. It is a terrible feeling. It fills you with shame. It makes you feel like you should be doing more (although you're not sure what you should be doing or when you should do it).

This feeling is fueled by unrealistic expectations. You have an idea of what you are supposed to be based on what you see in the movies and on tv, the magazines you read, the carefully edited Facebook profiles of your friends. These unrealistic expectations are well, unrealistic. No one is the ideal anything because we are human beings and part of our charm is that we kind of make things up as we go along.

This is okay.

There is no protocol on how to be the perfect mom, or the perfect wife, or the perfect career woman. Sure, there are some general guidelines (you probably need to actually show up to keep a job) but there is no mold that you need to squeeze yourself into. You are enough.

Seriously, you are enough.

This can be really hard to accept especially if you have been exposed to judgement and criticism (and seriously, who hasn't) and you have internalized those messages. The voice in your head never fails to tell you that you are not enough.

How to silence the “not enough” thoughts

1. Notice the thoughts. Thoughts are constantly running through your head that you may not be consciously aware of. You can't change what you're not aware of.

2. When you notice the “not enough” thought, weigh the evidence for or against that thought. Take the thought to court.

3. Is your evidence based on reality? Are you comparing yourself to an ideal that only exists in a photo shopped magazine spread?

4. Show yourself some compassion. You know that kindness you show to everyone else in your life? Do that with yourself.

5. Accept you for you. Yes, you can set goals for yourself and strive to make changes. That is not a bad thing. However, even without these changes, you are still pretty awesome. You are awesome enough.

Imagine what it would feel like once you shush the not good enough thoughts. Pretty amazing, huh? Know someone who also struggles with the not good enoughs? Feel free to share this post with them. Let's support each other in our enoughness.

How Full is Your Coping Tank? Verge of a Nervous Breakdown or Ready for the Long Haul?

Self-care | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

You know those days where everything feels overwhelming? You can’t find anything to wear and you want to cry. You go to make breakfast, there’s no bread and it feels like the end of the world. You spill coffee on the one shirt that isn’t wrinkled, and you’re heading into nervous breakdown territory.

And then there are the days where you are feeling amazing! Traffic snarl? No worries, you’ll just turn up the music and enjoy the alone time. Big stressor at work? You got this and save the day! Friend comes to you with all of her stressors. You are as solid as a rock.

What gives? How is it that you can manage stressors so well in some moments, and other times you feel that you can barely keep it together?

The Coping Tank

How you respond to stressors is largely influenced by the level of reserves in your coping tank. You tap into your reserves when there is a need for stress management. You also need to refuel your tank. You do not have an infinite reserve of coping fuel.  You have to make conscious choices that will help you refuel.

What happens when your coping tank is running low? You start having a really hard time when stressors happen. You may feel exhausted all the time. You may feel tearful or on edge. It feels like there is nothing left for you at the end of the day.

What happens when you are running on fumes? You find it hard to meet other people’s needs.  Everything feels like it is a huge effort. Your mood is volatile.  You may start experiencing physical symptoms like hair loss, headaches, skin conditions flare up.  You may start struggling with feelings of depression or anxiety. Things feel so hard.  

Eventually you may even run out of fumes and all you’re left with is an old, rusted out tank. This is bad.

How to refuel your coping tank?

Self-care, self-care, self-care (and some more self-care for good measure). Easy, right?

Not so much.  There are many obstacles to self-care. However, it is critical. It is no longer optional. So, here are a few ways to refill that tank so you don’t end up sputtering at the side of the road one day.

·         Sleep. This one of the most basic, yet most overlooked, building blocks to self-care. If sleep sucks, everything sucks.  Chronic difficulties with sleep drain you physically and emotionally. When you are tired, everything feels so much worse. Go to bed at the same time every day. Get up at the same time every day. Develop a bedtime routine to wind down (they’re not just for toddlers!).

·         Eat properly. You can decide what eating properly means to you, but make sure you are regularly fuelled with good nutrition. I know that I easily fall victim to feeling “hangry”, and I can’t even cope with a hangnail if I’m not properly fed. Your physical body needs to be nourished so that you can functional optimally.

·         Be careful if you’re using food or alcohol as a coping mechanism. Sometimes a nice meal, a sweet treat or the occasional glass of wine can be a part of your self-care regimen. However, if you feel  guilt or shame afterwards, it can drain the tank rather than add to it

·         Self-care doesn’t have to be complicated. Go outside for a few minutes. Belt out a favorite song. Find something that feels good to you.

·         Notice when your tank is getting low. Are you more irritable? Do you feel exhausted? Do minor stressors feel incredibly overwhelming? Know your signs early on and fill up that tank!

In my London, Ontario counselling practice I regularly work with women who are running on fumes. I talk to friends and they are running on fumes. I talk to other professionals in all sorts of industries and they are seeing clients who are running on fumes.  This is a common and serious problem! We need to start addressing our general lack of self-care and start letting go of the guilt that is often associated with taking time for ourselves. Please share this post and let’s start filling up our tanks!

Postpartum Anxiety; Why Should Postpartum Depression Get all the Attention?

Postpartum Anxiety | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

While it’s definitely not perfect, there is some level of awareness and attention that is paid to postpartum depression.  You may be asked by your midwife or doula about feeling sad or tearful.  People may hesitantly ask how your mood is, whether you have been feeling okay.  Postpartum anxiety, however, gets mostly ignored.  However, it can be just as common and definitely just as distressing, as postpartum depression.  Let’s yank postpartum anxiety out of the shadows!

Postpartum Anxiety Symptoms

You worry about everything.   Is your baby too hot? Is your baby too cold? Is he eating enough? Not enough?  Has she been sleeping too long? Should you wake you her up? What if you do wake her, then what?

It feels like your mind can’t stop.  One worry feeds off the other worry, which then triggers another worry, and then you find even more stuff to worry about.

Since your mind can’t stop, it is difficult for your body to stop. You are fluttering around, cleaning things, straightening, things, reorganizing, folding hundreds of baby wash cloths.  You are not getting any sense of achievement from these activities; it almost feels like you are compelled to do them.

You are exhausted. Sure, your baby is keeping you from getting solid sleep, but you’re struggling with sleep even when the baby is sleeping.  You lie down and your mind starts to race. You feel overwhelmed and suddenly it feels like you need to get out of bed NOW.

You may start to have some pretty disturbing thoughts. These thoughts terrify you and you know that you would never want to act on them, but you just can’t make the thoughts stop.

You may be scared that you shouldn’t be with the baby alone.  You worry that you aren’t a good mother, that you shouldn’t be trusted to take care of your child.  You are filled with dread when your partner leaves the house and desperately want them to stay home with you.

You may not identify it as anxiety, but you know that you feel off.  It feels like there is something wrong, and you’re not sure what it is.

You may be experiencing physical symptoms like stomach aches, headaches, feeling jittery. It feels like you’ve had too much caffeine (psst, which actually may be true if you’ve been trying to cope with the exhaustion with coffee or tea)

You don’t even know how to explain how you feel; you just know that it sucks and you really don’t want to feel like this.

You may experience some or all of these symptoms.  You may start feeling these symptoms during pregnancy and up to 12 months after having your child.  If you have these symptoms, it does not mean that you are weak, or not cut out to be a mom, or destined to feel like this for the rest of your life.  It just means that you need help.  It means that you are struggling.  Counselling may help.  Please contact me if you are worried. 

Anger After Baby: The One Feeling that No One Wants to Talk About

Postpartum Anger | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

Rage.

Anger.

Frustration. 

These are not the typical emotions we think of when we think of having a baby.  But they happen. They can actually happen for many women.  But no one is talking about it, and for lots of good reasons.  We don’t want to be judged. We feel that we’re doing something wrong. We’re scared that someone will call child services on us if we admit just how angry we are. We have no idea what is happening to us and it is so freaking scary.

Breathe.

There may be many reasons why you are feeling angry.

1)      Lack of sleep.  Having a baby automatically means that you are getting way less sleep than you need, every night for months on end. When we are tired we are much more likely to feel irritable, especially when we know there’s no end in sight to the sleeplessness.  There may be a few ways to get additional sleep, like sleeping when the baby sleeps or having a partner get up with the baby. However, sometimes it can be so hard to actually implement these strategies depending on your circumstances. Make sleep as much of a priority as you can.

2)      Lack of control. Many of the women that I work with in my London, Ontario counselling practice who struggle with anger eventually fess up to one common trait; they like to have control. Pre-baby, they had plans and expectations for their lives. Usually they were able to make things happen when they wanted them to.  Know a good way of messing that up? Have a baby.  A baby doesn’t care that you have a plan. Sometimes it feels like your baby is actually messing up with your plan on purpose. You’re looking forward to naptime because that is the one chance that you get to sit down and just veg. Your baby has napped at this specific time for weeks. It is the highlight of your day. Boom, your baby is awake, crying and in no mood for a nap today.  Hello, anger.

3)      Lack of support. After the initial wave of visitors quiets down, having a baby can be quite isolating. Your normal routine is turned upside down, making it difficult to see friends. Going on maternity leave usually means no longer seeing co-workers. It can be really lonely, which then can turn into frustration. Why didn’t anyone tell me that it was going to be like this? Why does my partner get to leave the house everyday and leave me here, all alone? We can start to feel isolated which can lead to anger.

4)      Lack of self-care. When you have had a baby, there may be both limited times and resources for things that you previously did as a way to re-energize.  You are busy feeding, changing, swaddling, burping, soothing and keeping this other human being alive. Who has time for a yoga class?

5)      Lack of your pre-baby identity. During my maternity leave, I would sometimes look in the mirror and be stunned at what I saw. Looking back at me, was this tired, disheveled woman, often wearing a black, spit-up encrusted hoodie.  It was hard to imagine that underneath all that still existed the wife, friend, psychologist and much better groomed version of myself.  This can be enraging. We work so hard to create a life that works for us, and having a baby can make it feel like it’s all been lost (or at least hidden really well).

While anger can be common and very understandable, we don’t want to be consumed by the anger. It can make us feel so guilty and bad about ourselves. It can steal the joy from a really amazing transition. Sometimes anger can be a symptom of postpartum depression. If you feel that the anger is there too often, or it feels really intense, or it’s impacting your ability to bond your with your baby, please reach out.  Let’s tackle the anger head on.

Why Trying to be "Strong" Is Making You Miserable

Resilience | Agnes Wainman | London Psychological Services

I’m not sure when it happened, but we’ve all been duped. We have been told that being “strong” is something that we should be striving for. “She’s so strong” is the highest form of praise. Now if you mean “she’s so strong, she can squat 200 lbs”, then yes!  Correct use of strong! If you mean, “she’s so strong because she never seems to be fazed, never seems to have an emotional reaction, doesn’t cry at funerals” then maybe we need to start re-evaluating what “strong” means. One of the most common phrases I hear in my therapy office is “I should be stronger.” When I dig into what it means to be “stronger” the overwhelming majority actually mean:

“I don’t want to feel a normal, understandable, uncomfortable human emotion to something stressful in my life.” 

We have been conditioned to believe that having emotional responses is a bad thing, when actually emotional responses are highly adaptive.  We are born with a full and complete set of emotions.  We may differ in temperament (early on, you can often tell who the chill baby is versus the one that’s a bit more high strung), but the basic emotions are the same.  These emotions are a gift.  They allow us to connect with other people.  They drive behavior that is protective (ex. Run into a bear, feel fear, run!). Emotions can be messages that things we are doing aren’t good or healthy for us.  Emotions, even the most uncomfortable and intense, can be useful.

Somehow along the way though, we have been conditioned to view emotional responses as some sort of personality flaw.  Actually, we view *negative* emotional responses as being weak.  Be happy, be pleasant, say that you’re fine through clenched teeth, but never, ever admit to struggling.

This is crap.

This is not being strong.

This is emotional avoidance and it is not good.

When we try to avoid, ignore, deny or squish down our feelings, we are interfering with the emotional system. Just because we pretend that the feeling is not there, this does not mean it just disappears.  They come out some way.  Maybe you start feeling physical symptoms like headaches or stomach upset.  You may start feeling anxious or on the verge of tears all the time, even if there is no clear trigger.  You may keep it together most of the time, but occasionally explode at the smallest provocation (road rage, anyone?).  You may have a hard time falling or staying asleep.  Our emotional system is annoyingly brilliant; there is no way to trick it.

On the other hand, healthy emotional expression does not mean that we can throw a tantrum at the slightest disappointment.  Emotional health requires a healthy dose of emotional regulation.  We need to learn how to self-soothe when we are distressed.  We do need to sometimes delay our emotional expression (delay, not avoid completely!).  We don’t need to tell everyone our most inner struggles.  We do need to allow ourselves to feel our feelings, stop the avoidance, the judgment, the criticism.  Your feelings are there for a reason.  Not sure what those reasons are anymore? That’s probably a sign that there’s been a bit of emotional interference going on and we’ve got some work to do to realign things. Let’s ditch the “strong” myth and start getting real about our feelings.